My mind had me trapped. A dark world where I wanted to take my life. Nothing else…no other thoughts get in, but the state of mind to kill me. Suffering from this by situations or people that I can’t control. Why is it me who has to suffer for being myself? Why can’t people just love who they want to love without discrimination? I was scared and felt alone that I didn’t want or need to be myself. A person who was blind from being able to see who I really was, but it’s ok people said. You’re just going through a phase. Then why do I still get the urge to hide and cry somewhere sometimes for no reason? In public now and not just my bedroom.
6th grade is when myself became truly blind. Blackness all around with no true friends. The pain I suffered was worse than anything I had ever felt. The remarks and the bashes of hands hitting my skin made me feel worthless and if those bullies didn’t love me…why would other people want to know or love me? I covered everything up to the point I wouldn’t talk to my parents. I got in trouble for trying to defend myself, but no one cared. I know there is my family, but at that school, I was tortured for just being how I am.
The only thing that got me out of the depressed state was music. I was in the band and it was the only reason I came back to school and suffered through the hatred. The only thing I really loved about myself was my passion for music. Music would speak to me in no other tone or voice that anyone else could. I listened to it like a dog who obeys its owner. The rush of joy I had watching my concerts gave me a little hope in myself. I tried to forget about the bullying and focus more on the music and being myself.
Then, my family moved and I went back to the state of mind. I knew band would return when school started. That fall of my 7th grade year I met people. I met some that are still my friends now. They taught me my true self. I looked at girls differently from men though. I hated the questions “So who’s your crush?” or “Do you have a boyfriend?” Boyfriend…that word didn’t click with me well and I was on a search to finding who I really was. I still suffered from the flashbacks and pain from the year before. Then this year I dated a girl for the first time. This was different from the boy I had in 8th grade. I then knew I was gay, but would I get accepted or one of those kids who gets thrown out or kill themselves for being themselves. ‘There is too much blood flown from the wrists of the children shamed for who they love or kiss.’ said by anonymous. That quote led me to believe I should shut up and keep looking for boyfriends even though I wanted girlfriends.
Of course, I ended up coming out. The love my family gave me was the most I have ever been loved or wanted. I was finally able to be who I really am. I have a girlfriend now who I love just as much as a woman who loves a man. Most people who are like me don’t get to feel this kind of warmth and sympathy. I know that I still have depression and it’s going to be with me for the rest of my life, but there are ways to cope with it. Also, for now on I can start being myself and trying to work on loving who I am. Plus you can’t love other people without loving yourself first.
