Piece 1: My Word
This was truly a very busy week for me at school. I have been going back and forth for my final exams. As I am forcing myself to get everything done, my mind is right now a mess. I cannot think about any other things than study and study. I had a mental block during my projects and assignments recently. I really don’t know what to do and I feel that I’m kind of lost. I was talking with my friend as I was brainstorming for my first piece on this assignment. I told him to give me a word since I didn’t come up with any word in my head. He just said “potential”. I was a little bit surprised when I heard it. I was expecting to hear some “common” thing like peaceful, motivative…But after some thoughts, I decided to get the word “potential” to describe who I am. According to the Oxford Dictionary, potential means “having or showing the capacity to develop into something in the future”.
I chose this word to describe myself because of my insecurities. I came from a big city in the south of Vietnam, but I was born and raised in a small town, which was used to be a “countryside” of that city, Ho Chi Minh City. As my parents’ first child, I was raised and taught well with good basis, went to good schools, had good food, even though my parents were not very wealthy and nobody, except my mom side grandparents, had supported their marriage and even me. My parents did not get any blessed, nothing from my dad parents and still these days. As their first child and the very first one to be able to go to college, I am always expected to achieve the best things. First, it’s because that they have always wanted me to have best things so that later on, I won’t have anything to struggle as my family believes that good education will lead to everything in the future, which I agree with them. However, it’s also because of our society that everybody will criticise you no matter what, even if you are doing good or bad things, they will try to dig it up and mock you. That’s why I have to always put my study, my knowledge first. I don’t want to disgrace my family, to let the people outside think that my parents don’t know how to teach their children, that their children aren’t “that good, that smart”.
It sounds like I’m not myself, but the thing is, I’m not. I’m trying a lot. I’m trying very hard, studying very hard, and because, I’m studying in a country that people told me I was just following for the “American Dream”, not because I wanted to be better, and people are expecting something huge from me. Sometimes, I’m just tired and I don’t want to do anything. Sometimes, I have a thought that I’m doing here for nothing. I don’t feel that I’m trying that hard. My family, my relatives always want me to study hard because I understand that everyone came from nothing, they expect their children to have better education for their better lives. But, “Uyen, try harder and keep your grades as you have right now” is not what I want to hear from day to day. Yes, I want to be better and achieve greater things, yes, for myself, but my family’s high expectation always makes me feel that I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve such things and I’m still lower than other people than my friends.
Yes, I do have imposter syndrome, that I always doubt my accomplishments and I don’t think that I did well enough to have it. I keep asking myself if I am actually good and whether all of the things that I have got are real. My friend told me that I was potential to get whatever I wanted but I’m now still doubting myself. I hope that one day, I will be able to find myself, be able to know that I’m not a fraud, that I, like other people, can have the chance to achieve great things, for myself, but yes for my family as well. I’m feeling that right now I’m just doing it for my family and I believe that in the near future, I will find something for my own and still please the others. It’s a very long road but as long as I am still believing in myself, I will be able to find my potential, no matter what.
Piece 2: My Quote/Work
“You can observe a lot by just watching.” – Yogi Berra
This is by far the best quote that I think it suits me and it even goes along with my “potential”. I got this quote from Yogi Berra, the cultural icon in the baseball industry, the catcher, the manager and the coach for the New York Yankees. You can read his Yogiisms and find some humorous quotes but “You can observe a lot by just watching” is something I believe that beyond the humour. I agree with him that everything has its own reason and therefore, we have to understand it so that thing won’t go wrong.
It’s true that sometimes, you have to put yourself in others, study the surroundings, hence, you will be able to catch everything and anything. For me, I can put myself to some situation and understand everything of it. You don’t have to say anything, tell anyone anything but still get the work done. I used to be a person that kept asking about things. Asking is good if you don’t know something but asking without knowing if it’s appropriate to ask is the different thing. I was very immature and did things very rashly and carelessly. I thought that I knew a lot, so I did and always ended up breaking something.
Since I came here, I have tried to change myself, in a good way. I live slower, think more different, and give more love to others. I have learnt that in order to be successful in life, I have to stop, pay attention, think and absorb. Before doing something recklessly, I have to spend my little time to watch everything around me, and therefore, I would understand thing quickly and accurately. I believe that by saying nothing and watching people, we can learn something that is interesting from them. I love going to the coffee shop, sitting there and looking around. Watching people go back and forth holding their cup of coffee, I can learn little good things from them. The world is full of different kinds of people. Taking times to learn things from people, I think it somehow would help you a lot.
It could be for your job and even your life. I used to study by taking note. I tended to write a lot of things and none of it went through my head. That was when I realised my method of study was not right. I spent days and days watching my friends and learn that it was not good to take a lot of notes since I could not sit and read the whole thing in a short time in order to understand it by heart. I stopped myself doing it and started to pay attention to my professors in class. Without taking a lot of notes but listening to them and watching their gestures, I understand the subjects faster and remember it longer. Since then, I also realised that I do have the potential to make things done. I was trying to understate my potential, that I have the ability, like others, to accomplish something. I’m still struggling with it since I don’t know what to do and see the “real” me, I would say this quote at least has helped me on the way to find and complete myself.
Piece 3: My Image
After the first 2 pieces about my word and my quote, I remember this photo and I think it could help a lot to emphasize my 4th piece as well. This is the photo of New York from above that I took when I first came here. It has been 2 years and it is still my favourite photo. When I went back to the folders and searched for it, my mind just went straight back to that moment – the moment that I finally got here without anyone, without any help and without knowing anything. This photo also represented my dream, my hope at that time. It was all pink but sooner, it was not what I had hoped for. New York City, from my view and from the photo, was beautiful with the sun was shining down on the street and on me. But between the beauty, there were still gaps of ugly things that when you look at from a far distance, you cannot see anything but only prettiness and cleanliness. It was just like my first year here.
The water was clear, was very blue, beautiful but I saw it sad. There were a lot of houses, industries lying down there with crowdedness from cars and trucks, I could not find any sight of people and its liveliness. My first time in the US was similar to this photo. Everyone thought it was beautiful, that I was “lucky” to have an opportunity to come here and fulfil my “American Dream”, which I was very naïve at that time and I didn’t pay attention to what they said to me. It was clear, and blue of happiness but deep down of my feeling, it was rotten and ugly no matter how I look at it. I did have good times, it was like I had the time to stay between Central Park to enjoy every bit of New York and then move back to the ghetto, with the hate but there was nobody around me to ask for help and talk to. This photo is still my favourite love and hate photo at the same time, but it brings back so many memories that made me ME this day.
Piece 4: My Epiphany
I have a lot of things to write for this epiphany, which is brought by the 3rd piece as well. I will continue my story that I left up there. I was an exchange student 2 years ago. I was “lucky” to be able to come here. I still didn’t think that it was all my hard work but it was just luckiness, even though my friends told me there were only about 2 or 3 people from my high school that got the chance to come here, just like me. I took it as an accomplishment, but I don’t feel proud of it when I think back. I applied every paper to finish the documents to send it to the General Consulate in my country and prepare for the interview. I finally got the acceptance from them. I just packed my things, didn’t think much and came here as a high school student in Inverness, a very small town near Ocala, Florida. I had to stay with guidance, which I had to call them as my host family. I was told that I could not contact my family but only once a week and I had to pick a day for them to know. I was 17 at that time. I knew that they wanted to help me to improve my English but things later turned on to overcontrol. Everything that I did, they would know and criticise me, even the things that I did not, since I was staying with another student from Thailand. They told me that I was the best student that they had but I knew that in my back, I was not. Everything that I didn’t do, they would put everything on my head and everything was my fault. I was overwhelmed with school work since I was students from both local high school and online school because I could not graduate within a year of studying here. I had no one to help and share things with me.
I could not say a word and I felt like it was a trap for me. I stayed in a very isolated area with nothing was around but trees. My life at that time was wrapped up like this: I had to wait for the bus at punctual time, I went to school, went home early in the afternoon and had “dinner” around 4 or 5 in the afternoon since I could not have late meal, then I would do my homework until around 8:30. I had to turn off my phone, my computer and gave it to them and no light from my room after 9 or else I would have a very long conversation with them in the morning about the light. I was very depressed at that time and that was when I knew that this life was not what I always wanted it to be. What helped me through those times was the little time I had to spend with my family through Skype. I didn’t tell them as I didn’t want them to worry. I could not be friend with anyone at school because they thought that “Asian was so ‘nerd’ to play with and befriend with”. I found my own my happy time with homework and the time with my teachers at school. I was very grateful to have them and I still keep in touch with them until now. I spent the whole time studying because all my thoughts were for my family back home and I didn’t want to disgrace them since they had sacrificed a lot so that I could come here. I was not desperate enough until that terrible thing happened to me when I was so close with my family. I was 2 weeks away from home, that I could finally see my family after a long year just like a prison here. I was molested by the member of that family.
I cannot forget that terrible moment and I still have nightmares every time I go to sleep. I was asking that old man to take me to the post office to send back some of my stuff because it could not fit my luggage. On the way to the P.O, he kept asking me inappropriate questions and touched here and there. He even threatened me not to tell my “host mom”. I was really scared and didn’t know what to do. I could not jump out of the car. I froze there and did not do anything. In that situation, no one could do anything to help themselves. When I got home, I ran out of the car, went straight back to my room and sat inside the closet. I could not feel anything or even cry. It was terrible, ugly and hideous. I sat there for a really long time without a thought. Then I decided to tell his wife, that “host mom”. Later, that man came straight to my room and told me that it was all my fault, yes which I knew I would get that word anyway, that I had destroyed their happy lives.
That woman didn’t do anything but cursed to my face and it was my fault, again, that I just hated their family and wanted drama to ruin her husband life. They told me to pack my thing and kicked me out. They took my passport and booked a one-way ticket train to Ft.Lauderdale, where my aunt was living. I could not do anything but went to pack my things. Later that night, the representative from the program called them and I heard through my room that that man admitted everything but his wife still came to me and execrated me. There was none of the apologies I got from them or from the program. The representatives did cancel the ticket for me but they forced me to go away from there, even though I had my school, because of “THAT FAMILY’S SAFETY”. It was not even me, after all those things. I still have no word to describe my feeling, that situation and what they had done to me. I stayed in my room for 2 days until there was a representative came to pick me and she even told me to apology to that family before leaving?!?! I did not do what she wanted and moved to Jacksonville. I was tired of everything and felt everything was just a complete joke. It was obscene. Nothing was real and I started to doubt whether it was right to decide to come here. After 3 hour-driving, I got a call from the program to tell me that one of my teachers in my high school, after hearing my situation, decided to adopt me for my last 2 weeks here. I was overwhelmingly happy about it.
I burst into tears. I did not cry when I was at that house, it was not worth to cry. I cried because I finally realised that there was still good people here that were always ready to help me through my hard time. My last 2 weeks, even though it was short but I had to say that I was having my best life, my best experience in the U.S. They offered me to see their personal counselor to help me but I was too tired with everything. Since my teacher was an Colonel and his wife was an officer, they took this thing seriously and helped me out as best as they could, I could know it. The local officers did tell me they would start to investigate this thing but I refused until I went back to my country since I could not handle anything at that time. I’m still talking back and forth with my teacher’s family and we did go to see each other even though we are far away but love has no distance. Yes, it did change my feeling and my thought about everything here. I know that this is not and will not be my final destination and it is not my place to live. After what happened, I am now more aware of everything, which is not a good thing since I start keeping myself away from the people that I love, even my close friends.
I don’t know if anyone will start to stab me in the back or betray me. I don’t feel good about it but I feel safer in my shell. I cannot do anything right now to help it. I used to trust people really fast and it did harm than help me. It completely changed how I see the world and I realise there are still a lot of things that I don’t know. It does have good and bad things and I have to learn how to distinguish it. It will take time and I know there are a lot of people that can help me but I still on my way to find myself and understand me so I will just figure it out by myself. I was in a situation that I don’t feel proud of it but I have to thank it since it helped me to know more about things that were around me. I now can understand and can put myself to other women’s situations and sympathise for them. The world is cruel but it always makes us stronger and wiser. Yes, I believe there are both good side and bad side in one thing but it all helps us to be more mature so we should appreciate and be grateful about it.
Piece 5: My Resolution
For my resolution, it is simple. Next semester, I would be very busy and I am happy about it since I hate having free time without doing anything. I’m going to graduate next year, and this is by far what I feel proud the most about myself. I can finally graduate and have something to realise that I deserve it. I have been studying very hard and I have been enjoying every bit of it. I’m always trying to force myself to do a lot of things and I don’t find anything wrong with it. I’m happy with it and since I would have a lot of negative thoughts if I had nothing to do, this will help me through. I decided to transfer to FIU and will start my new life there, with new open world, with plenty of opportunities for me to grow up and understand more about the world, the surrounding and even myself.
I have chosen Hospitality Management as my major and I haven’t felt regret about my decision. My bigger dream is to meet more people, to give myself a chance to open my shell and feel the world. I know there are a lot of beautiful things that are waiting for me in the future and I have to keep going in order to find it. I don’t see myself, and I have never seen myself staying in the U.S and stopped my journey here. I see myself that I belong to somewhere else, I haven’t found it yet, but I know it is somewhere out there. I have a very good feeling about it, but I won’t push myself to find it yet. I will just live slow and enjoy things here first. Maybe I will find something here that will lead me to my dream, to somewhere else that I have always dreamed of. It seems like “daydreaming” and it’s not real but deep down my feeling, I know I will find it and finally, I will be able to enjoy, to appreciate my life and my worthiness. I’m still young and I have plenty of opportunities here, so I will try to find and catch it as best as I can.
These pieces of me are just like the puzzles in my life. I have to know it, understand it and connect it. I believe it will turn into something very beautiful, but I have to work hard in order to find other pieces that are still somewhere else, waiting for me to find and put them together. It is not completed, just like my life, but I can see it getting better and better just from these current pieces. Life is too short to enjoy everything on Earth, but I will let myself busy all the time, to find other pieces through hard work and to have confidence in myself!
Works Cited
- Oxford Dictionaries. Potential. 2018. https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/potential.
- Yogi Berra Museum & Learning Center. Yogi-isms. 2018. https://yogiberramuseum.org/about-yogi/yogisms/.
