It all happened so fast. My life was turned upside down, I was in the car when it happened. One second we were fine and screaming along to the music, then the next we hit an ice patch. We started sliding and I blacked out. It wasn’t a major crash they said, this wasn’t supposed to happen. We were just normal, having fun, laughing a little too loudly and class and now… I’ll start at the beginning my name is Jen and my best friend is Katherine, Kat for short. We’ve been best friends since we were five. I was the wild loud one and she was the seemingly quiet and innocent one. One moment we were in class joking about the teachers, and the next we finally free for winter break. We were on our way to the Christmas event our families had held since before we can remember. There was snow all around, it was like a winter wonderland. Our life could not have been more perfect, until I turn a sharp turn and we skid across the ice and flipped on our side crashing into a telephone pole, I was driving so I got less of an impact. Seeing as the car was angled, but Kat hit it much harder than me. I blacked out for what felt like hours but was only second. I look over to see the body of a girl I consider a sister. Her red hair a mess, blood dripping down her forehead to her dark brown eyes. I can’t lose her. I fumble for my phone, my hands can’t stop shaking. I take a deep breath to calm myself, I can’t help her if I’m having a panic attack.
I hung up. I just couldn’t handle someone telling me it was all going to be okay when it so obviously was not. My best friend, the person who had been with me through thick and thin, is unconscious with blood dripping down her fair skin. In small towns everyone knows everyone’s business, but because it’s a small town the ambulance was here in a matter of minutes. As I heard it pulling up a sliver of hope grew inside of me, maybe Kat would be fine. Or maybe, even better, I would wake up and this would all be just one big dream. Or nightmare. The firemen pull the door open and grab me out of the car. They go back in for Kat, she didn’t look too good. As we got in they starting squeezing a bag and her chest rose and fell. Can she not breathe on her own? What’s happening? I say a silent prayer. God please let Kat be alright I don’t know what I would do without her. I need her.
The doors of the ambulance are slammed shut, and I let myself lose control for one second. I become hysterical but only for a moment I need to be strong for her, for Kat. I glance over at her, and if she didn’t make it I would never be the same. Then I hear something…. the paramedics are talking. Oops, I was never the focused one, that was Kat. “Ma’am I need to know if you or your friend have any allergies to any medication.” “No, we don’t have any allergies.” I wonder how many times he asked that. “Okay I need to know if you have any emergencies contacts that you would like us to alert.” “Yeah, my dad and Kat’s parents.” After giving him their numbers we arrived at the hospital.
I kept asking if she was going to be alright but I was met with the cold silence and loud beeping of machines. As I waited I let myself think of what if’s. What if they couldn’t save her? What if she was disabled? No. If she was disabled nothing would change, she was alive and I would be grateful. I was told later on that I just had a concussion and a broken arm but that she had locked in syndrome, I had no idea what that was. “When can I see her?” I ask the doctor in a voice so scratchy and quiet I couldn’t even recognize it. “Tomorrow, we need operate on your arm to align it so it can heal properly” he said or something like that. I didn’t really pay attention. Man I really need to listen, it’s probably important but, locked in syndrome? What the hell was that? “What is locked in syndrome?” I interrupted him.
“Um your friend is still alive and her condition is stable but she is unresponsive. She can’t breathe, swallow, talk, drink…. are you okay miss?” “ Yeah.” I reply automatically even though I’m far from it. I felt my heart sink in my chest. “I’ll send in your father.” I don’t respond, how could I? My best friend, unable to breathe without a machine? No I heard him wrong, I’ll get out of here tomorrow morning and she’ll be fine. A little voice in the back of my head told me I heard him right. Then startling me out of my thoughts my dad comes rushing in. “Hey sweetheart, you okay?” He asked with concern lacing his voice. “Yes.” I say trying to cover up my emotions but my voice was choked with raw emotion. “How’s Kat?” My voice cracks a little at the end. I hate crying it makes me look weak. Almost as if my dad read my thoughts he said softly,
“It’s ok to cry Jen, you’re practically sisters. Crying doesn’t mean your weak, it means you’ve been strong for too long.” That’s something my mom used to say before she passed away. Tears start streaming out of my hazel eyes, I start sobbing. Not a pretty cry like in the movies where they look composed but full on sobbing. After twenty minutes of crying my heart out, for my mom, for my dad, and Kat, I looked a mess, I had hair in my mouth, I had tear stained cheeks, and red puffy eyes. Eyelashes that shone from my grief. I finally get my bearings, and I looked around. It looks like the hospital my mother was in, my mom died of osteosarcoma when I was in ninth grade. When I visited her she would always tell me not to cry, not because she thought that crying was weak, but to be thankful that she was there that very moment. I missed her so much. I let one more tear slide before my face steels into one of resolve. I would be strong for Kat. I look around the room, and I see a clock next to me, its bright red numbers show 6:30. I look out the window to see the pitch black sky of December. My mind wanders to what we should be doing right now… having fun at the carnival, drinking hot chocolate with candy cane spoons, marshmallows and whipped cream.
Taking pictures with Santa, eating gingerbread men and laughing, having fun. Just as it had been for the past 12 years, but this year it’s different. We are stuck in an ugly, old hospital, no Christmas carols, only the dull beeb of a heart monitor letting everyone know I’m alive. Not on the inside. I wake up to the sun on my face and the birds chirping merrily. I wish they would just shut up, there’s no reason to be happy. My best friend has locked in syndrome and I can’t even see her til later today. I sit alone with my thoughts for hours, my dad was here but he didn’t get it. It’s my fault, I ruined her life… all my fault… all my fault. The words repeat in my head over and over like a broken record. Then there’s a sharp knock on the door. The doctor enters, her short red hair reminding me of Kat. Kat was always so alive, now she can’t even breathe. And it’s all my fault.
“I came in to let you know that after I check on your arm and head you are free to leave.” Thank god. She checked my eyes asked me some stupid questions. Just let me out so I can at least see her. I was finally discharged, and I found my way to Kat’s room. I heard weeping inside, Kat’s parents. Would they blame me, confirm what my mind has been telling me for hours, that it’s my fault their baby girl is practically dead. How would her siblings feel? I didn’t even think of them, they were both older. Brandon was 24 and Jessica was 21. Kat’s house was always so vibrant and full of life. Whereas mine was just me and my dad, no siblings, no pets. Before I can think I knock.
“Come in.” A croaky voice tells me thick with tears, I recognize the voice in a heartbeat. Which Kat wouldn’t have if there wasn’t a machine. It’s Kat’s mom, she was like a second mother to me, always there for me especially when my mom died, they were best friends too. I couldn’t bear it if she blamed me. “Sweetie come here.” She opens her arms wide and I run to them like I have my whole life. I never understood that phase most kids in my grade went though, being embarrassed by your mom. I would do anything for my mom back, but I was treated like their daughter.
“It’s all my fault.” I say my voice barely above a whisper. “No,no,no, not at all sweetheart. Do you hear me, it’s not your fault.” She says, I look up it to her eyes, wet with tears. She said it wasn’t my fault but I know she was just trying to make me feel better. “Okay.” I said meekly. I hugged tighter, I felt a drop hit my head and I felt more warm arms holding me. It was a whole family group hug, this wasn’t unusual I was like another member of the family. The only one missing was…Kat. I feel a wave of sadness as big as a ten ton truck. She would be in this group hug if it weren’t for me. I pull my head out of the tangle of arms and see Kat, a glimpse of her but her nonetheless. I squirm my way out of the group hug, and take her in. Her skin is paler than usual, her fire red hair looked less vibrant. Her eyes seemed hollow, a single tear carving it way down her face, a trail of saltwater. I take hesitant steps, does she blame me? I would blame me if I were her.
“Kat?” Silence. Right of course, a little piece of hope was broken. It was true, she couldn’t respond, no more late night talks, gossips, no more laughter. I sit on the hospital bed careful not to hurt her. At some point her family leaves, they love her but also know how much we loved each other. “Kat?” Hesitantly again this time. I reach out to brush a stray lock of hair away. “I am so sorry this is all my fault, I ruined it all, everything, our plans, promises and our lives.” Her dark brown eyes blink back twice at me. “No? What do you mean no, it’s my fault you’re like this! It should have been me.” Two blinks. Tears ball up in the corner of my eyes, even when she county talk she still was fiercely loyal and kind. Strong.
After hours of talking, or rather me talking and her blinking her response, her parents come in. I left them but I didn’t want to. I was giving them privacy, it was 11:30 at night. My dad was still here, waiting for me. He was so amazing despite losing my mom, he still is responsible for me. He didn’t abandon me and go drinking every night, didn’t hit me. Things with him were just like they were when mom died. I lightly shake him awake.
“Daddy, I’m going to sleep here.” “No, sweetheart, you need you rest, we’ll be back in the morning.” He said softly. “Please, just let me do this one thing, for Kat?” This back and forth goes and for another fifteen minutes. I end up winning, I curl up in a chair, in Kat’s room. Her parents are in the room too, but I didn’t care. This repeats for the next two days. I wake up, have fun laughing and talking with Kat, then crying when I leave to go to the bathroom. I don’t eat much, I’m barely sleeping. I look awful, I’ve only changed clothes once, my clothes disheveled from sleeping in them. Heavy bags under my eyes, I’m getting too skinny, my dad and Kat’s family, even Kat tries to get me to eat but I just can’t, Kat can’t. That was supposed to be me. One day I’m walking back to Kat’s room, just as I’m about to turn the corner, I hear whispering.
“She’s our daughter! We can’t take her off life support! I’ll get another job to help pay for it, I can’t…” her voice is cut off by a sob. “I know mon chérie but she’s suffering, she can’t even breathe on her own. But we will ask Kat.” Kat’s dad says, trying to not cry. “Take her off life support?” I ask tears streaming down my face. They can’t do that! Can they? “Your going to kill your daughter, you’re just going to give up on her? Like she meant nothing?!” I’m pissed off now, they can’t do that!! “She isn’t happy Jen.” He says softly ignoring that I just screamed at him and accused him of not loving his daughter. “Fine. Let’s ask Kat.” I manage to get out without breaking down completely. She’ll tell them what a stupid idea it is. Like Kat would want this! We enter the room.
“Hey Kit Kat” I’ve always called her that since her candy phase when she was younger. But let’s be honest she never grew out of that one. They ask her if she wants to stay on life support. I don’t really acknowledge it, it’s a slight buzzing in my ear as unimportant as a fly. “I can pay for it! I have a couple hundred thousand and I’ve always been great at acting! I could make it and pay for you!” I say my idea forming. “No! That money is your college money, you need your education.” Kat’s mom cuts in. The thought of college saddens me, we were supposed to go together. It was supposed to be one of the best times of our lives and now they’re talking about ending hers. A tear slipped from her eye and I realized how selfish I was being. Kat wanted this, I was the one who didn’t. She was suffering and I am prolonging her suffering, not her life. She doesn’t want this I do.
“Don’t feel bad about this Kit KatI don’t want you to suffer.” My vision is blurred by tears and my voice cracking at the end. I bite my lip to try to keep the tears in. Kat’s family and I all stare into her beautiful chocolate brown eyes. One slow blink, I stare waiting for a second. Praying for her to close them and open then again. For this to all be one sick joke. For her sit up and scream “I got you!” But nothing comes, for a second I don’t feel anything. Then tears stream out of my eyes one after another. Tears cascade down my cheeks. I kissed Kat on the head and walked out. As much as I tried to hold it in the pain came out like an uproar from my throat in a silent scream. I hit the wall, and my father wrapped me in a hug his chest muffling my sorrow. After fifteen minutes of this, I went back in as composed as possible and spent my last day with my best friend. I tried to make it the best day of her life, I told her how much I loved her. It took everything I had to not cry. I haven’t cried this long since my mom died, but my moms death wasn’t my fault. As the sun was setting over the mountains, the pinks and oranges mixing with the purples and blues, everyone said their goodbyes.
“I love you more than life itself Kat.” I kiss her on the forehead and move her fiery red hair out of her face. I take one good look at my best friend and knew I would never be the same. Sorrow fills me the tears I refused to look away, even as my lips trembled and his shoulders heaved with emotion. The walls inside of me holding me together crack just enough to see that however strong I try to be, the amount of strength that I have shown is not true. The crack threatening to break away my mask, however I was unwilling to back down.
I am strong, I’m going to be okay. I repeat it for fear that if I stop it won’t be true and the crack will shatter me. Unable to be put together again. As I look down at the still body of my best friend who was more than a best friend, she was my sister, and the one person I have and will always love with all of my heart. My dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; my hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief. Her family kisses her goodbye and the medicine is pumped in her. It travels down the tube and into her arm and her cocoa eyes remind me of the happy days long past. They close for the last time. They unplug her. The loud beep filled the room, a sad, hollow sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
